Do over

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through the looking glass

The strangeness of 2017 was so stark that I didn’t have the strength to summarize it before the year ended. We are almost a month in to the new year of 2018 and I finally think I am at peace with the year that was.

I can’t characterize 2017 in one word well. The cycle of the highs and the lows was relentless and they consistently increased in amplitude through the year. What began as a tame nonchalant January escalated to a full-on crescendo in November and finally eased up in the last week of December. I cannot remember the last time a year had such a profound impact on us and me. Yet, this significant collection of 365 days could mathematically be only described as below average.

What was it that made the year so awkward? Well for starters, work found new ways of clogging up my inbox with perennial stress. The four wheels at work were harder to come by, no matter how many hours I put in. A lot of it was self-driven (pardon the pun) and could have been plotted differently. Since I was still learning to navigate, I ended up dinging a bunch of icebergs along the way. The fact that I did not sink is a testament to capricious tenacity and stubborn filled belief in one-self. But even the best of my intentions could not stop the manifestation of stress.

At the highest of highs, 2017 got me what I have been wanting since we moved to Germany. It was a magical event, so high on my wish list, that I was certain it would turn the whole year around. But even she, with her wondrous personality and titillation on race track, couldn’t save an ending summer and a fall to forget. Just as she made an appearance, my love struggled. We found ourselves in red-crossed buildings much too often, defining the lowest of our lows. We had fear in our lives and we would have had despair if it weren’t for the science of medicine and faith in each other.

In a year, in which I trained for and ran two half-marathons, I managed to install a spare tire around my waist. It was creepy how weight and waist size sneaked up on me. I blamed the laundry for shrinking my clothes for a quarter of the year. After which, when that pant couldn’t be worn anymore, I stayed in denial. The rotundity of my face in pictures finally set the record straight that I had gained considerable weight taking me back to 2006 porkiness and darkness. Yet strangely, on the last day of 2017, I ran a 10K with my slowest time and won the first prize in my age category. As I said before, 2017 was incredibly consistent in its wackiness.

We shrunk indoors. Our friend circles closed up on us. We tried to force social integration but the wrong swarm kept finding us. It was much too attractive to stay home and far too troublesome to explore. The excitement of our new home gave way to hidden and explicit chores. I fixed a fridge, removed the crud from my gutters and borrowed a lawn mower to make it past fall. And yet, I managed to meet my family twice in the same year and got to chance to experience Shanghai, Montreal and a Canadian National Park.

These highs kept me from giving up completely. But the lows made me really think. I finally began to differentiate between outcomes I could influence and the ones that I had no control on. I could average 13000 steps a year and run 8 odd miles on any given day, but only on days that I slept well did I feel fitter and leaner.

And that perhaps was the point of 2017. To not just make me see my limitations better but to start the peacemaking process with the gaps. 2018 began with the same rate of emails a day but I breezed through them quicker. The donut of fat still made 80% of my trousers unattainable but I am somewhat convinced that it won’t be for too long. Our recovery in 2018 will be slow but for persistent buggers like us, slow just means a decade of betterment.

My four wheels are on a trickle charger and my heart is paired with hers. One continues to stay charged and the other is inspired. That is as good a start I could have wished for. Especially for a year that bears a promise of a do over and the hope of a completely different outcome.

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