Regret and Replace

Regret crosses the finish line for another lap

Seven years ago, on this day, I bought a car that I had dreamed of since I was 17 years old. I had read about this British car maker slash race car manufacturer and his incessant love for small, lightweight and remarkably agile cars. His philosophies had such an impact on me that I decided to invest in higher education believing that my true and only calling was vehicle dynamics. That has been my domain for the last 14 years and not once have I regretted my disregard for other parameters that make a great car. The purchase of the Lotus Elise in the June of 2010 had been monumental in several regards. I owned a car that lived every bit of the philosophy that I had yearned for. And simultaneously, I realized that goals achieved with money aren’t as exciting they appear to be.

The experience of owning a Lotus Elise has been well documented in my previous blogs. Now after seven years, with her being gone, I find it much easier to summarize the vast eloquence that I had resorted to in my infatuated years.

She was raw. She was unbridled. She was unadulterated, irresponsible and partially grown up. Her agility was remarkable. Her response was immediate. She was an utter realization of a vehicle dynamics lecture. She wasn’t, however, all things to all men.

She rattled in places that could be reached. Her engine made a monotonous noise when cruising on highways. I scraped her everywhere, no matter how carefully I pulled out on inclines and declines. Her steering, an absolute delight on switchbacks and race tracks, struggled on lower speeds, pulling in and out of corner spaces. Most of these were idiosyncrasies that I made peace with until on a fateful fall day a lobe on her crankshaft chipped and led to a downward spiral of cluster lights and sleepless nights.

We recovered from that. I thought it was a mere hiccup in our otherwise passionate sojourn. And yet, when my move to Germany was final, I reconsidered taking her with me. I could cough up the dough to ship here and certify her in Germany but the daily dallies became a concern. Where could I park her? Could I track her? How often could I do that? These questions loomed larger as the move date approached and eventually I buckled and let her go.

In hindsight, I regret that wholeheartedly. The others car since have barely meant as much as she did. Naively, I thought, that I could just easily replace her with a similar car when I returned from Germany but I am fast approaching the two year mark my ST stands lonely by herself.

I am certain that finding a replacement would ease the pain. May be even allow me to regret lesser or not at all! However finding that replacement hasn’t been easy! Partially because I am shooting for perfection in my next car; a car that is all things to all men. They are such hard to find. And the ones that come awfully close only serve as reminder of my limited disposable income. Every spare moment, I keep tweaking the parameters and return single digit search results. I even weigh what options I am willing to forgo but every car has a potentially damning flaw. I cannot compromise on here. This will be my car forever. One that I will take to track, travel in endlessly and treasure when she is resting. She isn’t trophy for anyone to admire but for me to relish in the thought of starting her each day.

On one side, I cannot stop thinking about what I had. On the other, I cannot stop imagining my future life. But this waiting period is one of pure regret that burns on both sides. My humble ST does her best to roar her motor and stick on on-ramps but even she is now acutely aware of my despair. Will the tide turn? Will I find a black one with a manual transmission, sport exhaust and the motor that I seek? Will she affordable given in relative terms? Will she be close so that I can go get her myself?

It is a painful limbo that holds a promise of amazement and pure joy. It is a resolvable regret. It is a situation where the replacement is a bigger sum than the parts she is replacing. It could end in tears if I wait too long but something tells me that the time is right.

All I have to do is regret and hope at the same time with equal intensity for a car that would replace everything in my life, bar one.