The trouble with hapiness

During my recent failed attempts of going to bed early, I was meandering on twitter and Facebook threads of nothingness when I stumbled on an internet forward listing the “First world problems”. Many of them had to do with the patchy functioning of ‘WhatsApp’ or a perfectly acceptable interruption of some kind. I found it hilarious and immediately felt sorry for people who actually stress over such trivial issues.

I am well aware of the sad state of current affairs. A leader in Syria is intent on killing his own people, new democracies are teething with uncertainty, poverty and malnutrition in India seem inseparable, quarterly reports are driving innovation and and the new Porsche GT3 won’t even have a manual transmission as an option. When one is surrounded by such bleak outlook, it becomes utterly selfish and ignorant to even address any of the first world problems. 

As it turns out, I too am battling with a first world problem. As stated before, I hardly expect sympathy of any kind. I am certain that I must chart my own waters here. That I alone must state this problem, quantify its severity and then ponder if it has at all a feasible solution. 

I postulate that happiness brings trouble. That one must be always in the pursuit of happiness but if you do find yourself surrounded by it, then perhaps you have gone too far. Happiness tends to bring a sense of contentment and dampness. Therein lies my problem and theory.

Lately, I have been slowing down in this pursuit. I find myself living a charmed life. My BMW is a fun rear wheel drive car. She is home more often these days and I love coming back to her. I run through orange yellow vineyards as if that was passé.  There is plenty of sport, meals are being had regularly and increased German proficiency is allowing me enjoy German trash TV endlessly. Lilly Allen songs are becoming realities and even after reading a string of sad books, I still maintain a non-creased forehead. I even think I look good in my own pictures! Present these set of conditions to anyone, not just the developing nations, and my condition would be considered more than just acceptable, desirable even.

But it is in this state of induced normalcy, I am getting very restless. Where is this coming from? The restlessness is in small terms affecting my ability to write pain-filled blogs but on a larger term is damping my ambition and drive. I cannot seem to generate energy that one needs to be not mediocre and not irrelevant. I seem hardly concerned that the world meanwhile is charging ahead. I am in my thirties and my life plans are being challenged. And yet, I feel unrushed. Calm. Aimless.

What I want really want is selective happiness. I want her to be always there with me while I struggle everywhere else. It is in hurdles I find energy to jump. It is dark and damp conditions, I find myself looking ahead with hope. And it is in the mediocrity I find the desire to be different. I am not sure where these strange thoughts are originating from or if am dire needs of therapy. But at this point, I am getting nauseous with the idea of happiness. In fact, I have always wondered why they never bothered to make the second part of the movie “the pursuit of happiness”! Or why most stories end with happily ever after but never ever begin with it.

Luckily, the sinusoidal nature of happiness is a comforting thought. Very soon, my first world problems will upgrade to second world problems. I am hoping in that oncoming downturn, I gather enough momentum  to not only to ride out the wave, but to continue on my pursuit again, ensuring this time I set myself just about an unrealistic target. 

As if I was pursuing happiness but not really wanting to reach it, ever.