I can’t recall exactly when I developed my extrovert features.
As a child, I was shy and kept mostly to my own means. Ours was a small apartment in Nashik with a massive living room. When guests would arrive I would usually be called out of my bedroom to come say hello. I would obediently do that but then disappear on the other side into the Kitchen where my mom would be prepping refreshments for the guests.
Incidentally, I can’t recall either when a guest was allowed to leave without being peppered with some eats or with something to drink.
Anyways, getting back to matter at hand, as a child I barely hovered in the living room as if it were Taboo. The strategy in Kitchen would seem effective at first but as my mom exited with the eatables, I would be left alone in a room where staying without a purpose is very discomforting. Eventually I would come out and sit out the visit. Answer the occasional questions that usually had something to do with my performance at school. I would then sneak back to my room waiting until they leave so that I could finally pounce on the snack that my mom had just made. As a kid, one never over ate.
Was it our move to Bangalore? Was it the fact that I had to start from scratch, at school and at home?
Was it the fact that in Bangalore the kitchen offered no refuge? Or was it just my time to stop and say
more than hello to the guest.
I suppose it had a lot to do with my schooling in Bangalore. I was blossoming into a nerd and a teacher’s apple; from distributing newspapers to the classrooms to reprimanding middle school-ers for their un-white canvas shoes. With a small plastic badge pinned to my crisp ironed shirt that labeled me as a vice-head boy, I strutted confidently in school. I approached strangers with jest. I asked them questions and even developed a system to feign interest with the ones that couldn’t stop repeating the same stories. I started seeking guests that had the best stories or ones that asked me the best questions. I liked hearing me talk. So much so that I apparently had no issues singing in our school musical on stage, despite that fact that it sounded more like Porsche’s flat six engine idle routine. Confidence, I had. Self-awareness needed refining.
We then moved back to Nashik. And unexpectedly, I went back into a shell. I wasn’t sure if my outspokenness would fly in the face of new friends at school and some old friends who knew me back then as a quiet child. It took a while and after some classroom infatuations and I was back on track! I continued reading books that I didn’t understand (I apologize Shakespeare!) but still recited key parts as if I knew better than the author. I had an opinion on most things and I wasn’t afraid to share it.
Which is quite perplexing because for the longest time I have debated if I really am an extrovert? Isn’t an extrovert by definition someone who is outspoken regardless of content? Why do I speak endlessly only about the brilliance of automobiles? I am quite the babbler when it comes to singularity or about our origins but when it comes to matters that don’t interest me; I quickly retreat to my shell. I suppose that is normal for most of us but I wonder if a true extrovert would do that?
I am almost convinced that I am extrovert by choice. I feel that have studied true extroverts to see what it takes to make someone laugh and feel comfortable without it feeling doctored. In fact, I am a studied extrovert, one that can on-demand express banal opinions and dry humor to invoke a giggle in a gaggle.
There is a certain beauty to being a recluse. I feel it often and miss my quieter days. I wish I didn’t have to be loud to be heard. In a forest, on a trail, I feel at home. There is wildness in me, like an animal that is content on hunting for his food and finding a nice place to rest otherwise. But the reality is that this Tarzan is no Tarzan, especially without his Jane.Without his Aston he is no David. Without his delusions of grandeur, he isn’t him.
Anyways, did you hear about that joke on how many surrealists it takes to change a light bulb?
Good one.
I think 'extrovertness' comes from either not caring what others think of you or truly believing that others think highly of you or both. That gives you the freedom to talk openly, to make jokes. Sometimes we may not be as funny or profound or smart as we hope to be. But we are able to recover from it almost instantly and carry on being ourselves.
Sometimes 'extrovertness' is forced, as in it takes extra effort to come out of the shell, each and every time.
Good one.
I think 'extrovertness' comes from either not caring what others think of you or truly believing that others think highly of you or both. That gives you the freedom to talk openly, to make jokes. Sometimes we may not be as funny or profound or smart as we hope to be. But we are able to recover from it almost instantly and carry on being ourselves.
Sometimes 'extrovertness' is forced, as in it takes extra effort to come out of the shell, each and every time.