Before Everything

The yearning

Although our species tends to question everything, from our existence to if we should further procreate, I was relatively clear about wanting to have kids. In the recent years the trade-off between spontaneity, personal freedom, adult adventure and decade-long child rearing monotony didn’t seem so hard to make. I witnessed enough of my friends disappear from the face off the earth once they had kids and lately I wanted to also jump off the cliff with them. And this cliff diving I wanted to do with my baby no. 1.

Pregnancy had its own time axis. It was factually around 9 months, but mentally it ran faster and slower depending on where my mind wandered. There was an awful lot of hurry-up and wait. My wife went through fascinating physical changes and I went through anticipation and anxiety bouts with every doctor’s visit, especially if they involved sound imaging. It felt normal at the same time it felt delicate and balanced on a knife’s edge. But all throughout that time, regardless of the trimester, I experienced selflessness. Another entity, a life within a life, absorbed my minds landscape. I was me but there was mine in her womb. I was living but there was true yearning.

Adi – before everything

The yearning gave us him. Adi entered this world on the 30^th of August 2019 at 21:43 pm as my son. And just like that, in that hospital room in Ann Arbor, on the 9^th floor, as I held him in my arms, I felt in the depth of my bones, in the corners of my heart and the in the recesses of my brain, a new life enveloped me instantly.

The name

The name was long selected before we even started trying. It was less selected and rather more destined. My fascination of the universe began with the first pirated copy of the book ‘the brief history of time’ by Stephen Hawking that my brother brought home. I couldn’t understand a word when I was younger but then I reread the book in my college years. Along with fresh access to the internet I went down to the rabbit hole and was immediately on-board with the scientists. Our explanation of what existed before the big bang was inherently limited by our understanding of time space continuum. Science was  still seeking answers since something from nothing didn’t quite sit well with quantum or classical physics.

Hindu mythology, unlike science, did not have to carry the burden of proof. My wife had introduced me to Devdutt Patnaik who did a delightful job of making ancient Hindu mythology approachable and understandable. In one if his books I came across the Adi – Anant construct. Or the idea of how the universe always existed but time only started when the first god woke up from his slumber and was conscious of his surroundings! And the state of the universe before his awakening was called Adi.

Right there and then, as the amazing parallels dawned on me between quantum physics and old tales over 5000 years old, I was convinced there couldn’t be a better name if I were to have a boy. I stopped looking for more names and hoped sincerely that my wife did not know anyone with that name who she despised. It worked. She liked the name and now we just had to wait for the baby.

D-Day and thereafter

five point harness 

The day Adi arrived will remain etched in my head forever. My wife already documented that well here. But the story when we brought him home in often forgotten. It was unnerving to put the tiny thing in a massive baby seat and then drive him into the open world. For a moment, I truly questioned if it was fair to expose him to the monstrosity of the human civilization. But, I wasn’t allowed to ponder much. We were discharged from the hospital. We were now officially parents and it was time for Adi to make his own mark on the world he entered.

Once we got him home, our bewilderment of what just happened did not stop. But the regularity of household chores, groceries, laundry, cooking meals and cleaning up clashed with the life changing aspect of having a baby in the house. As is always the case, between something ponderous and raw hunger, meal prep always wins. Caring for a tiny baby that required day and night attention along with getting the functioning adult part up and running suddenly became a daunting task. Two sleepless nights later, I was overwhelmed. I just did not understand how this is sustainable and how the other millions of parents managed the first few days being back with their off-spring.

That too passed. We tag teamed, we stole naps, we simplified our existence, we ignored all pointless chores, we hunkered down and we dug in for the long haul. He ruled our hearts and he ruled our decision making.

Why?

Why does one have kids? We must be the only procreating mammal species that questions the act of procreation. And while it is an insanely private decision when it comes to having children (or not), this significant decision isn’t usually backed with good reasoning of any sort on both sides. Most of my reasons were fairly vain.

My spectrum of reasons included

1. It is what nature intended and I am a proud homosapien
2. It is an experience I don’t want to regret not having it in my life repertoire
3. It will allow me to live beyond myself and be less selfish
4. I have the right partner for the journey
5. I missed my chance with professional sports, particularly Motorsport. I could live vicariously through him.

However, when I held him in my arms the first time, all I could think is why did I wait so long?! Not once I have felt an emotion so incredibly organic and raw within for another being. I held in my arms the best version of me. Parenting is often deemed selfless but it is strangely selfish.

What choice did Adi have? We made the choice to start this journey and my wife delivered him to the world. He had no choice to but open his eyes to earth. And despite that lack of free will for him, it felt that he was finally here to fix me and not for us to raise him.

First month of life

Dream

From the hospital, when we measured his life in hours, to days and then weeks when he was home, he is now a month old. But I am still on a massive phase delay. Sometimes I wake up from my paltry hour-long sleep and expect to see my wife’s beautiful baby bump and how I need to warm her some milk. Until of course my eyes fall upon my baby’s face and time moves instantly forward. I cannot explain how quickly it feels like we got here and when I would fathom the enormity of what happened, I have a feeling I wouldn’t be able explain the understanding either.

And now that we are here, there is no time to contemplate on the miracle of creation or why his eyebrows that mirror mine. As brand new parents we are keeping above water, tackling each day as it comes and simplifying our life to what really matters. There is wonderment as he grows each day and there is exhaustion as we long for more sleep. Every day there are mundane undone matters like laundry, groceries and a good night’s rest and every day there is the magic of him.

So much is off our plate and so different is our plate. As a couple, we were always greater than our sum but now we have multiplied and our new equation includes an exponential term. It is irreversible math. There isn’t any going back nor is there a wish to.

We are now finally awake.