Sadly, I don’t ever have that choice and quite likely I might end up with both. But dealing with physical pain is OK since it is finite; location and magnitude is well known. The other kind is terrifying. The first thing I do despite being warned by Vikram Seth that it cannot be wished away, I try to wish it away When that doesn’t work, I seek justification for my levels of pain.
America and Adulthood have come at the same time for me. That has led to many events that did cause me pain being labeled as not a big deal. In this country almost everything is not a big deal unless you get scalded on hot coffee because it was too hot. Adulthood is also a lot about downplaying serious bumps as mere inconveniences. It is a less known fact that denying the acknowledgment of pain can integrate over time in to one serious lump. Further, the ability to share information has become so commonplace that you almost start seeking justification from Facebook comments or long winded posts like these whether the pain is actually real. That has disastrous consequences.
It seems reasonable to think solve a problem one needs quantification of what is wrong. Having said that, the quantification of pain is pointless if the objective is to dramatize and cower into a corner. If you are poet/author/artist, you are likely to channel this artistically away but if you aren’t, you are bound to just whimper.
And quantification of pain is tricky. At some point everything hurts. From missing opportunities to broken hearts, everything hurts just as much at first. But they do have different rates of fade and eventually with time, pain is mostly forgotten if not solved. However the pain that results from self-evaluation is a constant. It the evil price you pay for ambition. You are constantly reminded of how astray your current path is. The effort required to rectify seems magnanimous. The end seems bleak but a written eventuality. And your destiny seems like after-thought.
This pain, this pain is the worst. It doesn’t make you feel sad, or bad, or mad. But rather it presents a heart twisting mix of all three swirling inside you at all times. This is the pain I wish to quantify. Not necessarily to resolve but rather to understand the extent and the root cause.
I am fairly convinced that I am not alone in turmoil. There must be others out there who constantly self-evaluate and suffer harshly. Perhaps they have found a way but I don’t want to placate myself with comparisons with those worse off. What is needed is perhaps a brutal inspection of how I set my targets. It requires the honest evaluation of the assumption of greatness. Finally, a re-adjustment of the schedule and re shuffling of the milestones seems imminent.
But largely, what is needed at first is the acceptance of the fact that I am hurting. I can no longer use the Stockdale paradox as a self-fulfilling crutch or as pain dilution remedy.
If I am going to be king of my own realms, I must invent my own paradox.
One either draws a flow chart to know why the pain exist and try solve it if possible or then accept it and not cry or glorify it..well just a thought.
Birdy: Yup. No big deal 🙂
I will disagree with you on that one. I have been to both physical and emotional kind of pain and that too in extreme forms and suffering is unbearable in both when its on. The high point is when its over and you realize, man! you have emerged with some extraordinary perspective for life which could come only with going through that pain, yes even physical one. Guess, am not being helpful here..:)
Pallavi: Physical pain is tough but it is measurable. And most times it transforms into emotional pain which really hurts more than the bruise. But gaining a perspective is something I can totally agree on. getting through the Pain is the best lesson ever.