I did manage to lumber into the bedroom at 2230. I even seemed completely prepped for slumber. Worked out in the day time, had an early dinner and warm shower. The blinds are sealed shut. It is decidedly dark.
Sadly, I make the mistake of dragging my laptop with me. Maybe this is the night when checking email one more time will deliver a life-changing email in my inbox. It doesn’t. So Firefox is triggered and YouTube is fired up. I am yet to understand why I think that 2300 on a Sunday night is an ideal time to watch some music videos.
I am extremely uncomfortable. Lying sideways, staring at a laptop is hurting my eyes and my elbow. So I flop back into the pillow and close my eyes. Yes! This is it. This un-ease of lap-topping on a bed is making me choose sleep instead. The computer will hibernate itself, who cares!! I don’t even bother shutting it down.
But with eyes closed, my mind de-populates itself of Thom Yorke and floods itself with a mighty to-do list. So many chores; ranging from clearing trash in the mornings to setting my life straight. A list so maniacal in its expectations, that it sets my heart racing. I am having difficulties keeping these eyes closed now.
Can I really sleep now? How would I make the 28 years count if I sleep now? What of the rest of the world? It hasn’t stopped spinning. She would still get married and be happy and he would be promoted regardless. And all of them would always make more money than you.
How can you sleep if an idle mind is a devil’s workshop?
I twist and turn. 0000. New day, already. Factually, I will now sleep and wake-up on the same day.
Did I really listen to Backstreet boys when I was 15? I prop myself back up. I search for a song that I used to listen to, only watch old men pretending to be much younger, sway in unison, in an all-white attire. I listened to this? I liked this? I flop back in frustration.
It is close now. I convince myself that my to-do list is an endless pipe dream. I fumble in the dark to shut down the computer. I fling my comforter away, exposing my defeated soul to Michigan summer air. These re-scaled, reduced expectations have an effect of lowering my heart rate. Even my eye lids stop fluttering.
A gentle breeze wafts through the window to seal the deal. Sleep is here.
Along with the calming promise of status quo!
Most of these days when I lie checking irrelevant emails (I've stopped the laptop intrusion, but it's the phone now, even more painful, it's small and causes no apparent discomfort)and I wonder then when in the morning my body refuses to let me imagine it's rested, I ask myself, why was I so restless and why was the net helpful in a numbing way, and most times I do not know…oh and they can go earn their money and promotions, its the softer things which bother more…